Condoms
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: The moment was almost right, well, almost. Always play it safe! One-shot. ButtersxHenrietta


**What am I doing with my life? xD**

**ButtersxHenrietta**

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><p>I bet a lot of you think that Henrietta is just a complainin' b-bitch with daddy problems. Or maybe a scary Goth that sacrifices hamsters in the park… or something real weird because her appearance isn't like everyone else's.<p>

Well, the truth is that she came from outer space, representing all the girls just like her on Venus. Can you believe that?! She told me that it was her mission to study human like me. Wow-wee!

…I-I, uh… think she's joking though. At least I think so. I can never tell.

Anyways, things started to get real serious with me and Henrietta. We've been dating for a few months and one thing led to another… Don't tell nobody but I even got to touch boobs once. They were all soft an' squishy like puddin' or jell-o. Golly, one small step for a boy and one big step for a man!

Henrietta was rough. She was always leavin' these big bite marks and kissin' real hard. I got used to wearing turtlenecks so my parents wouldn't ground me. Even at twenty-two my parents still have all the control. While Henri was scratchy and bite-y, I was real loving. I put the gentle in gentleman. And gentlemen don't wanna hurt a girl any.

Uhm, my dad says you should always be a gentleman, whether you're gettin' some poon or helpin' her walk through a door-

Or was that Ken that said that? Gosh darn it, my dad'll be real sore if here hears me putting words in his mouth again. I just got ungrounded!

Tonight was real special.

Henrietta's got her own little apartment with some of her other Goth friends but… Its real weird seein' them creeping around. They give me the heebie-jeebies. That dark makeup and all black and even how they talk... It suits my little Henri but not them.

So, Henri planned a day her friends would be out so we could have a romantic night. Since my parents are always home, I told them I was stayin' the night at Cartman's.

Me an' her would have a night all to ourselves.

It was nice. She was playin' her gothic music… Remedy? Cure? Poison? Somethin' like that. Red candles and animal skulls… just a normal, romantic setting.

I never had sex. Dad always said that if I did anything dirty, my wiener would fall off. Henrietta said it wouldn't. I thought Kenny's had fallen off and he was a Ken doll. Teehee, get it?

She was the sour and I was the sweet. When we mixed, I was the sugar on her lemon. We we're two drastically different people who somehow had a relationship of some kind. It was strange and strangely addictive.

We give people one heck of a canker sore.

So, we were just foolin' around an' kissin'. And things... erm, well they popped up and uh… Well, this ain't a porno! If you wanna read somethin' dirty, go somewhere else! I ain't gonna be tellin' you my intimate moments.

Henrietta stopped her movements and gave me a look, slapping my hands away all angry-like. "What do you think you're doing?" she spat.

"Gee, ain't this how sex works?" I looked between the sheets, my eyebrow hitched. "Did I mess it up already? I put my thingy and your doohickey and-"

"Yeah, but I'm not a conformist pig feminist who takes the pill," She scooted away from me with that cute, angry pout. Well, it wasn't really a pout. She was pissed off. But it was real cute! "You should know this Leopold."

Henrietta, well, she's my whole world! I would do anything to make her happy. I would take a bullet for her… wait, not a bullet. Bullets kill.. uh, well… I would take paint balls to the face for her. Yeah… uh, I-I said balls to the face. Gosh darn it.

"Uh… You got a headache? I can getcha a pill!"

The Goth gave a loud annoyed sigh, her fingers flicking me in the face. I let out a little yell, holding my nose in fear."Condoms, do I have to spell this shit out for you?"

"Con…doms," I ground my fists together nervously. "Well, I ain't got condoms on me!"

"Then you're not getting anything from me."

But wait, wait she said we'd have sex for the first time and it would be real special-like! I didn't know it was like a school supply list! I thought I would just bring myself and it would happen, like magic or somethin'!

"W-wait, wait! I'll be right back! Stay right here, I'll go get some." I hopped out of the bed, sliding on my heel to wrestle into my pants and part way into my shirt, my head poking out of an armhole. "It won't take long!"

Henrietta reached into her bedside table, loading a clove cigarette in that rickety looking slim line and opening her own poetry journal. "Right, see you when you come back. I'll be eagerly waiting your arrival, my little Leopold."

With that I took off to the nearest pharmacy in South Park as fast as my legs could take me. A sharp pain in my foot and I nearly fell on my face. I glanced down to see that a jagged looking rock was peeking out of my root. I brushed it away and scowled. I forgot my shoes! Oh Jesus! And little Butters in my pants was getting real cranky-like.

I stepped through the opening doors of the drug store to see a familiar face. Craig was standing behind the counter, flipping through a tabloid. Boy howdy, he still looked the same. He's always quiet and boring. And an asexual. He was so open about it.

I nearly flung myself over the counter. "I need your help! See, I'm going to be getting' myself some… uhm, and I gotta not be silly and wrap my willy. Do ya know where the con-doms are?"

Craig looked up with no expression on his face. He wasn't annoyed nor bothered… or maybe both. Gee, I think he needs to smile more. "Aisle thirteen. The before and after."

"Before and after? Well geez, that's a weird name to be calling things."

He lifted a finger, pointing across the store. "Next to the pregnancy tests."

Pregnancy tests… near the condoms? That's a little foreshadowin' ain't it? I zipped down the aisle and I gazed upon it all in glory. Condoms! They came in all colors and sizes and names, golly-gee! Beside me, a man was obnoxiously snorting to himself and grabbing up boxes just to set em down. I recognized the blonde hair and the orange jacket…

Kenny glanced up at me from the box. "Butterballs? What are you doing here at a time like this in the cock-sock aisle? You lost?" The way his words rolled off his tongue made me feel all dirty-like.

"Well, I uh… ain't it obvious? What are you doin' here?"

Kenny snatching up a box of pregnancy test and rattling it loudly with one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen. "I'mma be a daddy."

"Really?!"

He gave me a look like I was all so gullible."Pfft… fuck no. Can you see me a father? Fuck that shit. I'm here for the cum-bags." He plucked up a box with a guy who looked like Token on it. Kenny presented it in front of my face. Wait, I think that _was_ Token! "Big Mambas!"

I blinked, my mouth dropping in awe. "Wowzers Ken, I could never fit into one of those."

"Here, try 'ribbed for her pleasure' if you're so small." He threw it at me and I clamored for it, it juggled out of my hands and onto the floor. I retrieved it with a groan. "It's a good starter for first times, Butterball."

"I ain't small, Henri says I'm hung like a moose."

"Yeah righ- _Henrietta_? The Henrietta? The Gothic one?" I wandered away from him, walking to the register. I ignored him the whole way there. "What she like in bed? Is she hot? I bet she's into that real nasty shit like gags and whips and blowtorches!"

"She, uh-"

Kenny wiggled his way in front of me with his Big Mambas. He tossed them at Craig with a chuckle. While Craig, wasn't too amused. He rang up the items, his words seething with unwritten anger. "There is no way you fit in these. Six dollars and forty-seven cents."

Kenny paid and with a snort added, "You guys have never seen my dick. And the man who doesn't get any probably doesn't know how to put one on, _asexual_."

Oh shit. I step back from the scene. No way am I going to get in the middle of that.

"Actually," Craig flung a condom box at the blonde, hitting him directly in the face. "I'm fucking your ex-girlfriend."

"…what?" his face scrunched up, then Kenny leaned over the counter, snarling. "Which one? Is it Tammy?! Are you fucking Tamm-"

"Have a nice day." Craig spat, bagging the condoms and shoving the plastic in his arms.

The blonde took it with a grumble, walking right out of the store without another word. Boy-howdy, he got his hide chapped. I tapped my chin with a sly grin, eyeing the noirette. "But you're an asexual... you're not really havi-havin sex with his ex, right?"

"Now you're doing it Butters… seven dollars even."

I fumbled in my pants pockets, patting my sides before going into a panic and yanking out my pockets. "Aw shit!" I held my mouth as I cursed. "Oh jeez! I forgot my wallet at home all I got is a two dollars." I pulled out the crumbled bills and placed it on the counter. "How much can this get me?"

Craig gave me a fleeting look then back to the money.

I finally made it back to the apartment, cracking open the door to see Henrietta snuggling a pillow and watching TV. It sounded overly happy like a Telatubbies on speed. As soon as I walked in that show went off.

I knew she watched cartoons!

"Finally, let's get this started already. I missed out of a Joy Division cover band concert in Denver for you," Her eyes glinted and her nails scraped up under my shirt. "That means I actually like you a lot, Leopold."

I plopped beside her, handing her the contents in the bag. "Uh, here… I got-"

"Please tell me this is a joke." Henrietta lifted up the package, the plastic crinkled under her fingers. "Leopold, please tell me this is a strange, conformist joke."

"Well, these water balloons… were on sale," I pointed to the kids on the front. "They look like they're having a swell time and… I-I, uh, I forgot my wallet at home."

Henrietta took out a red balloon, snapping it at me. Her eyes found mine and she gave me an affectionate glance. "You're the best, Butters."

I bet a lot of you think that Henrietta is just a complainin' bitch with an attitude and daddy problems. Or maybe a scary Goth that sacrifices hamsters in the park… or something real weird because her appearance isn't like everyone else's.

She isn't any of that.

She was the sour and I was the sweet. When we mixed, I was the sugar on her lemon. We we're two drastically different people who somehow had a relationship of some kind. It was strange and strangely addictive.

We give people one heck of a canker sore.


End file.
